Always the years between us, Always the years, Always the love, Always the hours

I think one of the most poignant scenes in "The Hours" is when Nicole Kidman is talking to her friend's children. She tells them that it seems she may have to kill someone in her book. She says it has to be the artist, and when the children ask why, she says " Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more. It's contrast." An acquaintance recently took his own life. I don't claim to be close to this person. He was a bartender. I was an alcoholic. I went to his funeral to support a close friend of his and mine. I hate funerals. I can't imagine anyone who would like them, but I mean I hate them. I honestly feel uncomfortable, anxious and clausterphobic. The close family is crying vehemently and I sit there and become selfish, thinking of my own mortality. It's as if, that's where death goes to present itself and stare me in the face. I used to laugh in the face of death. I drove my car into a wall at 80mph and came out with a scratch. I can't imagine how many times I teetered on the brink of what could be death. Everyday we experience it, crossing the street or that bite of seafood. That could be it. I know it's morbid and I don't mean to scare you. I truly don't. I think for me, what happened was a sense of change. I realized, this young man has passed away, and it made me realize how easily it can all fall apart. I once tried to take my own life. I was in a black pit of death. I was lucky. I was found. This young man was not. It opens one's eyes to everything that is out there. How easily it could fall apart but how easily one lets it.
I'm no saint. I know I have my crazy nights. Nights of driving home and not even remembering how I got home. Nights of passion with no recollection if we used a condom. Seafood. Being tested or waking up in jail. All these consequences of the mistakes we make, purposefully. I take full responsibility of what I do. Even if I don't remember. We make the choices and suffer from the consequences. My friend told me that we're just those type of people. The type that live life at about 200mph. The problem with that is that eventually the brakes will go out, you run out of gas or if you're smart, you slow down. Slowing down seems like a logical choice but it's hard and it takes time. When you live life at high speeds, the scenery becomes a blur. Slowing down forces you to see it and sometimes it's not pretty. It's a dark, desolate landscape at times, but if you go slow, I'm sure you can reach your destination. I know I'm taking the car analogy far, but it seems me and cars are not a great mix. So, for me, a car is a perfect analogy. Time to put on my seat belt and go down to third gear, sit back and watch the scenery, no matter what it is.