A Change Would Do you Good

As a budding therapist, you think you know everything about human behavior. Knowing all the answers gets disastrously single minded and just plain not true as you get older. Coming to that slow realization depresses you, but gives you hope that finding the answers really is much more fun than knowing them.

Lately things have been going great, but emotionally it has been a rollercoaster. Deleting my myspace and facebook feels like I cut off a limb. Deleting my gay.com account makes me feel like all is lost in the department of love. The thing about it is, I got on gay.com when I was 14. That was 12 years ago. I'm in the same boat I was when I was 14. Alone. Not desperate alone or lonely alone, but simply alone. The cliche quote about insanity comes to mind. I repeated the same behavior. I would talk to someone, somehow the conversation led to sex and there I was, having sex with some guy I don't even like. How I got from deluding myself into thinking what I was doing was a healthy beginning to a relationship to realizing that it was all bullshit. So here I am, alone in my house. I live with my mom. She lives with her boyfriend. I'm changing. I'm buying her car from her. A nice early 2000's Honda for a fraction of what I would pay somewhere else. After spending 2 months in jail (I'll explain later) and then spending a month in Europe with what I thought was the love of my life, it's time I go back to work. Sure, I'm just a substitute teacher, but it keeps me busy. Being a graduate student is no longer an excuse to not paying attention to my finances and my life in general.

But the problem is, do they notice? Does my family notice that I don't go out anymore? That I stay home and have wine with a good movie and a pizza as opposed to dancing on bars and sucking some guy's dick in an alley? Well I hope they don't know some of the more seedier parts of my life, but I'm sure they can make a good guess. They know me too well to not at least guess. I think the problem for me, and the problem for them as well, is that they don't believe in change. I can preach change until I'm blue in the face, but they will find something to point out my old life. They don't realize how difficult it is to go from Tara Reid to Jennifer Love Hewitt. Bad analogy? I'll work on it. Anyway, it's Friday night. My first thought is "I want to party!", but my reasoning says "Take it easy..there's tons of Fridays ahead of you". It's true. I'm sure I'm not going to turn into a nun, but I'm sure I'm not going to die by staying in. The problem is, it's hard. It's very hard. It takes time to shed the old self from yourself. I have tons of friends that stay home and never go out. I have no idea how they do it. I want excitement and danger. I want to wake up next to a stranger and then running to a bathroom to vomit and then having my walk of shame home. I guess when I put it like that, I don't, but it was all glitz and glamour in the beginning of the night, wasn't it?

Dancing, shots, playing grab ass with some guy who has no care in the world but to use you as a warm hole. Yummy, no? I need to start doing this. So, what happens when I go out? Jail....bad sex...maybe an std...a hangover...a bad walk home. Now, what happens when I stay home with a small (emphasis on that one, because I learned the hard way those big cheap bottles will FUCK YOU UP) and just watching a movie with some pizza. A slightly bigger ass...a slight hangover....and most of my dignity intact. I'll take the latter. My friends can have their fun. They can do whatever they want, because I may be dealing with hard emotions, I have no idea what they are doing. I am free from their lives. Deleting myspace is hard, but I'd rather not know what stupid antics I would've gotten myself into. Although sometimes I dance around my house in my undies, nobody will see me. My cat isn't very judgmental either.