WASP-Y

In an effort to be more honest and forthcoming about my life to whoever chooses to read this, I decided to be a little on the bloggy side. You know, blog when it's important. Today was a day like any other. I started blogging. I rewrote a research paper and made a presentation. I took my brother to work and promised to pick up his girlfriend later. Then things went disastrously south. Jason decided to come over and make up with me. Jason is fantastic. One of the few men in my life that really has an affect on me. His deep hazel eyes, his physique and the long friendship we've had are all things that make me melt like ice cream on a hot sidewalk. Jason is straight. I mean straight. Not like after a 6 pack, maybe I'm not straight, but straight. But he's my best friend.

We had this major fight a while back. I would say a week ago. I blew up and just got really angry. He's been spending less time with me. Never makes time to hang out with me and started hanging out with another friend of mine that I just plain don't like. This friend of mine is in love with him to start. He told me once. I warned him, Jason is no good. Well in the sense of a sexual relationship. Jason and I have a strange relationship. For the last 2 years he's the closest thing to a boyfriend I've had. We fight about dumb shit, we then make up, and the cycle continues. People expect us to be together at parties. I got a phone call once asking me if i was going to some party. When I answered no, he said "Oh well Jason was going. I figured you two were going together." And so the dysfunctional relationship comes out. I know, as a budding therapist and educated man that this relationship cannot be healthy. No man can live up to him and no woman can live up to me. Well, in theory it sounds true. He would never admit it. I'm just his best friend, but we are attached at the hip sometimes.

So he came over and asked me if I wanted to join him at the university and then we can get coffee. I admit, the last time we spoke I was way out of line. I don't tell people my feelings in a coherent or rational manner at times. A slight mistake turns into a huge brouhaha. I fully admit that. Not like gay drama queen, but emotional hemophiliac-ism. I'm bleeding dry the anger I'm feeling and mostly everyone just steps back and watches me go until I'm dry as a bone. Being the naive person I can be, I figured we would sit down and have a great conversation about my anger, his anger, whatever. Like if nothing had happened. Really. It was strange. You can tell he wanted to bring it up, but then it would seem too relationship-y, so the whole ignoring what happened just seemed way too WASP-y to me. I'm not a big fan of bottling emotions or avoiding conflicts. In fact, I'm quite the opposite. But again, I melt with him. It used to be sexual but now it's more about our friendship really. My lustful feelings have come and gone. Plus I know how much sex can change people or even the wanting of sex. It's probably why Colin Farrell hasn't called me back or my neighbour doesn't say hi anymore when he waters his lawn. We can look at each other well in the dark, but daylight just seems too bright, plus his wife is nosy.

I went along. For the sake of the relationship really. I don't plan on our friendship being the same as it was, but I'm glad it wasn't another bridge I burned. I love him too much. I mean that in the most platonic way possible. We just sat there and watched Kojak pretending everything was alright. He turned to me and said "You know Kojak..." and i just tuned him out. I nodded in agreement and everything seemed right in the world again. At least on the surface. It's WASP-y I know, but I can see why they avoid conflicts. It's so much easier for both parties. Ugh, i hate myself right now. Well, until the next time I blow up and Jason and I get into another fight, then maybe we'll discuss it. Keep your fingers crossed.