Old Posting about My Time in the Slammer

We can in greatness of mind

Or of body be like the Immortals,

Though we know not to what goal

By day or in the nights

Fate was written that we shall run. – Pindar the Boeotian

It’s amazing what clarity can come with sobriety. Actually, I have no idea what I’m saying. I have Chris Martin’s voice stuck in my head. Does anyone really know where I was for 2 months? Did anyone notice me disappear? I remember when I was a kid I wanted to disappear for a while, thought to be dead, then come back a whole new person. One should be careful what one wishes for, no? I didn’t come back wholly new, but I did make a few small changes. I decided to take control of my life. Control because I have none. When I came back I was adamant about going to Barcelona to see Jose Angel. Jose Angel is a guy I’ve been seeing on and off for 3 years. I just knew I had to. Everyone thinks I’m crazy, and I, sir, neither confirm nor deny this fact. I am crazy. Wait, did I just answer my own question? I drank too much coffee this morning, sorry. So come, have a seat, and try not to spill anything on this lovely couch because if you do, I will stab you.

I was in hell for 2 months. Hell is a hyperbole. Purgatory. Limbo is where babies go, right? So no limbo for me. Anyway, it was hell. I had to clean other people’s shit all day. I had to attend these meetings where people talked about ruining their lives with alcohol. I had to think about what I’ve done to myself, sometimes for hours. It’s amazing what clarity will come with borderline insanity. I asked for an ibuprofen, and I got children’s Motrin. Really? Really. They think that I might get hooked on the goodness of the strong ibuprofen and my dear good sir; I think I just may have. You know how sometimes you can’t sleep so you take 6 xanaxes? I guess not. I do. Then I wash it all down with a giant bottle of cheap wine. It was like fixing a small patch in your house with an entirely new wall. Sometimes if I had a small headache, I would take a Percocet with some Jack Daniels. That was like curing a cold with chemotherapy. I digress, sir. This living purgatory was what I needed. It was what I deserved, and mostly because it was court ordered. They are so smart, those judges. Judicious, slow and sometimes a little gassy, but forthright. They didn’t like me. I was one of those people. You know the kind. The kind that solve their problems at the bottom of a bottle of tequila, then get into their cars and drive into some rich person’s wall. Well condos should get better property insurance, but now that’s my problem isn’t it? I deserved every bit of hell I received. Everything that came to me was due and even a little backed up. I think that’s what made it easy for me. I wasn’t wronged by the justice system. I did what I had to do, and came back. That’s where I was for 2 months…purgatory. That’s all you need to know. In all honesty, a part of me got too comfortable. It’s nice to live in your own absolution. It’s called Apocatastasis. Wiki it.

Am I excited about Spain? Like Kate Moss on a vacation to Columbia, baby. I get to see Europe for the first time. I get to stay 3 weeks, make love to the Spaniards, drink lots of vino and get married. That last one I forgot to mention. Oh yeah, well gay marriage is very legal in Spain. Jealous? Don’t be. Am I answering my own questions again? I have no idea. Everyone thinks I’m crazy yet again for getting married, but I’m almost 26 and I ain’t getting any younger. I need to hold on to somebody while I’m still young cause everything is already starting to go south, and some of them north by northwest. I am going to Valencia, Madrid and mostly staying in Barcelona. We might take a short trip to Perpignon in France. It’s a long deserved vacation. I paid my dues, now it’s time to enjoy myself. When I come back I’ll be cleansed by the Golden coasts of the Mediterranean. The air will cleanse my soul.

“See Daddy, sinners have souls too”. It brought me to tears. Shug Ray and I must be twins or soul mates or perhaps I am her reincarnated. I bawled like a baby, because it was long overdue. I don’t cry much. I have no reason too. Apathy, I can take it or leave it. Maybe it was a sign. Maybe I have emotions now. I’m still trying to muddle through all these feelings. I feel like a newborn, seeing the world for the first time. I’m so held back that sometimes I cry at Sylvan commercials. You know the scene, where he hands his mom his report card for her birthday and he has a “B” instead of a “?”. I just sit there and cry. It feels good. Sitting all alone in the dark, with The Color Purple blaring on the TV and me doing something that I don’t quite understand. Remember I used to be such a whore? Me neither.

What is the point of all this? I ask myself. I rant and rave. I try to find out why, who and when. I like this new feeling. I used to think I had all the answers, and when I didn’t, there was a bottle of Yellow Tail to help me find them. Now I just sit there till I come up with an answer. My brain, my mind, they aren’t used to me doing this. They are anticipating that sweet elixir, but I give it none. I’m no nun. I still like a nice glass of wine. I just don’t use the alcohol to solve problems or ask more questions. I have no more questions. This time around I only have answers.

A Change Would Do you Good

As a budding therapist, you think you know everything about human behavior. Knowing all the answers gets disastrously single minded and just plain not true as you get older. Coming to that slow realization depresses you, but gives you hope that finding the answers really is much more fun than knowing them.

Lately things have been going great, but emotionally it has been a rollercoaster. Deleting my myspace and facebook feels like I cut off a limb. Deleting my gay.com account makes me feel like all is lost in the department of love. The thing about it is, I got on gay.com when I was 14. That was 12 years ago. I'm in the same boat I was when I was 14. Alone. Not desperate alone or lonely alone, but simply alone. The cliche quote about insanity comes to mind. I repeated the same behavior. I would talk to someone, somehow the conversation led to sex and there I was, having sex with some guy I don't even like. How I got from deluding myself into thinking what I was doing was a healthy beginning to a relationship to realizing that it was all bullshit. So here I am, alone in my house. I live with my mom. She lives with her boyfriend. I'm changing. I'm buying her car from her. A nice early 2000's Honda for a fraction of what I would pay somewhere else. After spending 2 months in jail (I'll explain later) and then spending a month in Europe with what I thought was the love of my life, it's time I go back to work. Sure, I'm just a substitute teacher, but it keeps me busy. Being a graduate student is no longer an excuse to not paying attention to my finances and my life in general.

But the problem is, do they notice? Does my family notice that I don't go out anymore? That I stay home and have wine with a good movie and a pizza as opposed to dancing on bars and sucking some guy's dick in an alley? Well I hope they don't know some of the more seedier parts of my life, but I'm sure they can make a good guess. They know me too well to not at least guess. I think the problem for me, and the problem for them as well, is that they don't believe in change. I can preach change until I'm blue in the face, but they will find something to point out my old life. They don't realize how difficult it is to go from Tara Reid to Jennifer Love Hewitt. Bad analogy? I'll work on it. Anyway, it's Friday night. My first thought is "I want to party!", but my reasoning says "Take it easy..there's tons of Fridays ahead of you". It's true. I'm sure I'm not going to turn into a nun, but I'm sure I'm not going to die by staying in. The problem is, it's hard. It's very hard. It takes time to shed the old self from yourself. I have tons of friends that stay home and never go out. I have no idea how they do it. I want excitement and danger. I want to wake up next to a stranger and then running to a bathroom to vomit and then having my walk of shame home. I guess when I put it like that, I don't, but it was all glitz and glamour in the beginning of the night, wasn't it?

Dancing, shots, playing grab ass with some guy who has no care in the world but to use you as a warm hole. Yummy, no? I need to start doing this. So, what happens when I go out? Jail....bad sex...maybe an std...a hangover...a bad walk home. Now, what happens when I stay home with a small (emphasis on that one, because I learned the hard way those big cheap bottles will FUCK YOU UP) and just watching a movie with some pizza. A slightly bigger ass...a slight hangover....and most of my dignity intact. I'll take the latter. My friends can have their fun. They can do whatever they want, because I may be dealing with hard emotions, I have no idea what they are doing. I am free from their lives. Deleting myspace is hard, but I'd rather not know what stupid antics I would've gotten myself into. Although sometimes I dance around my house in my undies, nobody will see me. My cat isn't very judgmental either.

WASP-Y

In an effort to be more honest and forthcoming about my life to whoever chooses to read this, I decided to be a little on the bloggy side. You know, blog when it's important. Today was a day like any other. I started blogging. I rewrote a research paper and made a presentation. I took my brother to work and promised to pick up his girlfriend later. Then things went disastrously south. Jason decided to come over and make up with me. Jason is fantastic. One of the few men in my life that really has an affect on me. His deep hazel eyes, his physique and the long friendship we've had are all things that make me melt like ice cream on a hot sidewalk. Jason is straight. I mean straight. Not like after a 6 pack, maybe I'm not straight, but straight. But he's my best friend.

We had this major fight a while back. I would say a week ago. I blew up and just got really angry. He's been spending less time with me. Never makes time to hang out with me and started hanging out with another friend of mine that I just plain don't like. This friend of mine is in love with him to start. He told me once. I warned him, Jason is no good. Well in the sense of a sexual relationship. Jason and I have a strange relationship. For the last 2 years he's the closest thing to a boyfriend I've had. We fight about dumb shit, we then make up, and the cycle continues. People expect us to be together at parties. I got a phone call once asking me if i was going to some party. When I answered no, he said "Oh well Jason was going. I figured you two were going together." And so the dysfunctional relationship comes out. I know, as a budding therapist and educated man that this relationship cannot be healthy. No man can live up to him and no woman can live up to me. Well, in theory it sounds true. He would never admit it. I'm just his best friend, but we are attached at the hip sometimes.

So he came over and asked me if I wanted to join him at the university and then we can get coffee. I admit, the last time we spoke I was way out of line. I don't tell people my feelings in a coherent or rational manner at times. A slight mistake turns into a huge brouhaha. I fully admit that. Not like gay drama queen, but emotional hemophiliac-ism. I'm bleeding dry the anger I'm feeling and mostly everyone just steps back and watches me go until I'm dry as a bone. Being the naive person I can be, I figured we would sit down and have a great conversation about my anger, his anger, whatever. Like if nothing had happened. Really. It was strange. You can tell he wanted to bring it up, but then it would seem too relationship-y, so the whole ignoring what happened just seemed way too WASP-y to me. I'm not a big fan of bottling emotions or avoiding conflicts. In fact, I'm quite the opposite. But again, I melt with him. It used to be sexual but now it's more about our friendship really. My lustful feelings have come and gone. Plus I know how much sex can change people or even the wanting of sex. It's probably why Colin Farrell hasn't called me back or my neighbour doesn't say hi anymore when he waters his lawn. We can look at each other well in the dark, but daylight just seems too bright, plus his wife is nosy.

I went along. For the sake of the relationship really. I don't plan on our friendship being the same as it was, but I'm glad it wasn't another bridge I burned. I love him too much. I mean that in the most platonic way possible. We just sat there and watched Kojak pretending everything was alright. He turned to me and said "You know Kojak..." and i just tuned him out. I nodded in agreement and everything seemed right in the world again. At least on the surface. It's WASP-y I know, but I can see why they avoid conflicts. It's so much easier for both parties. Ugh, i hate myself right now. Well, until the next time I blow up and Jason and I get into another fight, then maybe we'll discuss it. Keep your fingers crossed.

Myspace and Facebook's Flaws

This is my first blog. Well no, I lie. I had a few blogs on myspace and a couple on Facebook. In this day and age, everybody has something to say. I want to tell you right now, I have tons of things to say. I'm a cornucopia of verbal diarrhea. I think blogs are a great way to tell the world your deepest and darkest secrets. The problem with myspace is that it becomes a showboat of one upmanship when it comes to who has a great story to tell. I have tons of stories. I once woke up in another city. I once woke up in jail. The problem with myspace is that there is no anonymity. Not that I'm ashamed of the things I've done. I'll tell anyone what they want to know, but I'd rather I be some ethereal being that you can imagine for yourself. I deleted my myspace and facebook. This is where it all begins. The fantastic thing about deleting your myspace and facebook is that you had no idea you were wearing shackles, very trendy shackles. Facebook is much worse. Did I really want to know that my friend John is going to Hooters? Probably not. Did he invite me? I don't know. He's a facebook friend. So it comes down to the day ol' dilemna. Is he really a friend? The great thing about purging your ties to the internet is that now, it's time to find out who's really my friend and who isn't. Granted, I love myspace and facebook. They are great ways to connect to the outside world, but like a spiderweb, did I become entangled in lies and trendy electronic ties? If I could, I would start a revolution. BRING DOWN MYSPACE AND FACEBOOK! But I am a realistic person. Nor would I want to bring it down. I really enjoy knowing what my close friends are doing. Some friends, one in the military, never really have a way of connecting except myspace. Myspace allows them to tell the world where they are and how they are doing. But she can email me too. Honestly. So, I begin the world of blogging on a new and wonderful note. So let's all cut our shackles and go outside and get some fresh air. Jim Nelson of GQ magazine recently talked about a study that shows people who have a lot of myspace friends tend to have fewer real friends. Go outside and kiss your neighbour. Call your friends and go get drunk, get coffee with them. Tell them in person what great people they are because time is short and although my friend John might be going to Hooters....I'm most certainly not going to know that next time around unless he invites me.