Do you take the red pill or the blue pill?

Mental illness is a very hot topic these days. The days of crazy versus sane are gone. People are now depressed, manic depressive, schizoaffective, borderline, narcissistic, and it's hard to find, but just plain crazy. I don't know where I fall lately. I want to pigeonhole myself in order to make the process of coming back to reality a little easier but there are no titles to describe my emotions. I suppose I can try. Empty, deluded, roller-coaster, sad, apathetic, caffeinated, sexless, and more importantly lost. A friend of mine lost one of his old buddies in the military, an old friend of mine is off to Afghanistan and yet another friend is off to D.C. to start a new life. My sedentary lifestyle (oh god..why can't work and school begin again) also leads one to have too much time to think. If the brain is a muscle, mine looks much like Louie Anderson. The problem is not how I feel. These feelings will pass, at some point. They always do. I'm a chameleon, really. I change my colors in order to blend in with my surroundings. The problem is who will I hurt along the way.
An old friend of mine recently wanted to mend old wounds and put the past behind us. Could I? I'm so hurt by everything around me, I fear that it is much easier to hold on to the hurt and at least use that hatred to hold on to some sort of remnants of emotion. Working and studying in a mental health field, you come to realize that people do not let go of their emotions for fear of not knowing a replacement. It is hard to replace fear and hatred with love and forgiveness, especially when you've held on to that fear and hatred for so long. I hate going out lately. Being a gay man, like i've said before, is like being a teenage girl for the rest of your life. I see them, you know, talking. They chat and make idle conversation. The engines are always idling, waiting for someone to get in, go for a ride and then drop you off at your house. I don't think I have the mental capacity to deal with that. In the early years I was Mr. Socialite. I loved it. I'm a Capricorn and we're natural climbers, albeit in my case I should have focused on my career. We are pioneers and want to reach the pinnacle of anything we do. I perhaps pinnacled (is that a word?) and now I'm on a slow decline. I wear creams for old people. I don't wake up from a hangover and ten minutes later move on with my life (honestly how am I alive? Days of drinking and the next day I bounce back and go pick up auntie for lunch). Now I have to do this whole routine just to look human. I don't have the capacity of being friends with this old friend. He lives in the world of catty bitches and drama loving homos. I love drama. Trust me, I do, but lately I've been to lazy to put up much of a fight against catty bitches. I just sit there and think...you're gonna be a 50 year old lonely homo sleazing around bars trying to pick up 25 year olds at some point. Just give up the ghost. GIVE IT UP! Defeat, yes. Battle, yes. War, no.